The Shared Humanity Exercise: A Practice in Compassion

This exercise is designed to help us transition from the “defence” of conflict into the tenderness of Ar-Ra’ūf. In therapy, we use the principle of shared humanity to remember something simple but life-changing: behind every sharp word, every defensive wall, every shutdown, is a human being who is likely tired, strained, afraid, or in pain.

And in Ramadan, when hunger, sleep changes, stress, and spiritual striving are all happening at once, it becomes even easier to misread each other. This practice helps us slow down before we escalate.

The Shared Humanity Exercise

A Practice in Compassion

When we’re in conflict, the nervous system often registers the other person as a threat. We stop seeing their heart and start seeing their “faults.” This exercise collapses that distance by recognising the shared strain we are all under in this holy month.

1) Recognition of Limits

Sit with your partner or family member in a quiet space. Before you speak about the problem, take a moment to silently observe one another.

Reflect: Look at the person across from you. Notice the signs of their day. The fatigue in their eyes. The tension in their shoulders. The weight of their responsibilities.

Internal shift: Acknowledge this quietly in your heart:
“Just as I have limits, they have limits too.”
Compassion begins the moment we stop demanding that the other person be limitless.

Optional sentence to anchor you:
“I don’t want to win this moment. I want to protect our bond.”

2) The Softening Statement

Instead of starting with a complaint or a correction, begin with a recognition of humanity. Use one of these, or speak in your own words:

• “I can see you’ve been carrying a lot today. I want to meet that with gentleness, not more pressure.”

• “I realise we’re both strained right now. Let’s soften first, then we can talk.”

• “I want to understand you, not fight you. Can we slow down?”

This is not ignoring the issue. It’s choosing a safer doorway into the issue.

3) Somatic Co-Regulation

Clinically, compassion allows the system to soften without collapsing. Before problem-solving, we regulate first.

Action: Take three slow breaths together, in sync.
Inhale together. Exhale together. Do this three times.

Goal: As you breathe, imagine Ar-Ra’ūf acting as a gentle buffer between you. A refined mercy that protects you both from overwhelm. You are not trying to force peace. You are creating enough softness to stay connected.

If it helps, add a simple phrase on the exhale:
“Gentleness.”
“Mercy.”
“Ease.”

4) The Shared Du‘ā

Conclude by saying the Day 9 du‘ā together:

“O Ar-Ra’ūf, meet our limits with gentleness. Ease our hearts where we feel strained.”

If you want one extra line, you can add:
“O Allah, protect our bond from harm and guide us to what is good.”

Why This Works

In therapy, when we recognise that both people are likely suffering, the nervous system de-escalates. It becomes safer to be vulnerable again. And once safety returns, repair becomes possible.

By practising this form of preemptive compassion, you are doing something powerful. You are protecting your relationship from harm before it has a chance to escalate. That is "Ra’ūf" in real life.

Click here to download a printable version of the worksheet in pdf.